Never again…

February 9th, 2021

I have so much to offer the world, I am loved and although sometimes it may not feel like it I’m so much stronger than I realize. The world can be an ugly place and life can sometimes get stressful and shitty but there’s so much beauty and good in the world that can make my life so amazing. I have yet to experience so many wonderful things and experiences this world has to offer so I’m making a promise to myself that never again will I try to take my own life.

I know now that I was in a very deep hole that I myself dug and that I decided not to seek help because I was so depressed and anxious that my plan to kill myself at that moment felt like the only solution. I have choices, I will always have choices and that’s the wonderful part because I can decide when a situation is too stressful or ugly, I can turn around and just change paths.

I had a plan of action for sometime, the idea had crossed my mind back in October when I first took my leave of absence. During these 3 months I had only mentioned it once to a friend and she called her sister and my best friend who then let my youngest sister know that I was having suicidal thoughts. 

When I decided to sit in that garage and take my life I thought I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t feel strong enough to go back to my career, I felt like a failure which for me is 1 of the worst things to feel. I thought that with the way I’ve gained weight in the last year that I would never find love again. My anxiety and depression were holding me prisoner and in my mind I thought it was the easiest way to get away from these demons. I then came to the conclusion that life as I knew it, that happy life I once had, had vanished and that I wouldn’t be able to find it again. That little voice in my head was telling me that it was just best to end things.

I wasn’t scared of dying but I couldn’t stop crying because my heart went out to my parents. The pain that I would cause them, the pain of losing a child and the fact that they may never get over it. I felt bad that all my life they have been supportive in most everything in my life that I felt I was letting them down.

When my dad found me he said he was disappointed, I recall him saying something like “estoy decepcionado” and what I think he meant is that he was disappointed that he didn’t help me or see the signs of me being so depressed and that it got to this point. I know I’m successful and know I have a lot of accomplishments to show of a good life. I know I’m a great caring daughter, and that my parents are proud of everything I’ve achieved but I often forget all that when anxiety takes control of me. The anxiety I often feel paralyzes me with fear to the point that I let it control my actions and I really hate that because it makes me feel so weak. 

I am not weak. I have Bipolar, I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression. My mental illnesses don’t define me. I am so much more than my illnesses! Although I often think I am at a disadvantage from those who don’t battle mental health struggles everything I’ve gone through especially starting from the age of 19 when I had my 1st manic episode has made me a stronger person. I am still here, I’m still standing and I am fierce because of all of it.

Last month when I was discharged from the hospital I continued on my path to get better seeking out my doctor and therapist. I searched for additional support by googling an outpatient program that could help me. I took charge and took the steps necessary to start a road of recovery from the deep hole I had dug myself in. I have advocated for myself many of times and will continue to do that because I love myself that much and those around me who want me to be healthy and happy. I want to be happy too. 

I made a list of things that make me happy. These are just a few of the things I will use as a reminder of why I want to continue breathing and living my best life. 

What I’m grateful for and what makes me happy

  1. Family and friends
  2. Coffee
  3. Traveling
  4. Reading
  5. Cooking and baking especially for others
  6. A funny show
  7. Good sleep
  8. Sunny days
  9. The ocean and the beach
  10. Yummy food
  11. Chocolate
  12. A great run
  13. Zumba
  14. Writing

If someone confides in you that they have suicidal thoughts please take them seriously. Just remember it took a lot of guts for them to tell you so just be a supportive friend, listen, and be there for them as best you can.

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